How Do I Really Feel

יום חמישי, 15 במרץ 2012

Life is living in GOD ,means getting GOD's light in bestowal - being in intention!

And again I am out of the black hole to the bestowal to GOD ,and the world

is much brighter than I saw it yesterday - downs and ups and that is life!

Because I do not feel anything to anybody,I should get from GOD everything

because I feel really bad like I am dead and still in the body!So GOD should

reveal to me and open Himself in order I will feel good instead of bad!

Well previously I felt meaning of life in spreading the wisdom of GOD ,

and spreading the wisdom I reached,and helping other people to know

GOD,but today I understand that somebody who will really need GOD

somebody who has the most real desire to GOD will find Him ,and he

do not really need me on his way to help him ,he or she will go straightly

to GOD and not by my station!So this illussion I lost too! And I have nothing

left to do here so - and I do not care about anybody ,all these games in love to

the neighbour I am really tired of all of it!

Well GOD says we should love people around us ,but I do not feel

anything to them ,rav Laitman says we should love their desire to

spirituality and nothing to their bodies.And I tried to help the girls

I slept with ,but they didn't love me more - only used me ,so I

decided that they are not worth of my concern to them!And then

I started to feel that I do not care about anything - anymore!My

purpose of life was to help them - but I got no feedback ,all I felt

that they needed my money and they didn't care about me - and I

wanted to be with them - but they are all sold for money ,so I felt

that it is all not worth anything!

Well you know I do not work and I have some money ,and I have plenty of time

but I do not have family i do not have a girlfriend ,i do not have kids and i am 34

allready.I have some sex disease and that why i am afraid to sleep with girl without

a condom.

I studied kabbalah for 10 years and i feel the light of GOD a little bit ,but i have no big

connection with GOD - it is just something simple!So for that I should say to GOD

thank you ,but i do not feel that is the thing to live for - that will not be my reason to stay

in life!

About my parents or brother or some kinds of relatives i don' really care - they will be

capable all to live without me!I do not care to leave them the money or not to leave.

I even do not care about a girl who I visit - she will somehow survive without me too.

In my name gimatria there is a word coded as END in hebrew SOF!

I do not really know what is left to live for ,and I do not know how to simply go

away,there is nothing left to achive ,many posibilities simply closed and I have

nothing to do anymore! That what I feel this Shabes !